no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.