[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
You Might Also Like
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.