Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Pickled cat.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.