JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Bootstraps
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.