Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
This is my emotional support knife.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence