If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.