You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur