OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years