Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
This dude got his own movie?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Got him!
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
He wanted to make sure😂
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.