A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Ok, but like, how married are you?