It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213