*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.