Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
i was baptized in a car wash
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.