[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
You Might Also Like
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.