A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.