wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
(by @ZachWeiner )
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway