To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.