beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.