Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If snakes were wide
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*