[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges