oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
britain’s three elite institutions
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.