Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.