Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Finally, a door that understands me
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”