Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.