No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.