If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.