Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The struggle is real
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”