After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.