I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????