My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
The pasta is now
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I am HOWLING at this
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home