ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off