“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.