Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I can fix him.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Hmm, not sure about this change
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.