I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
good for her
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.