This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon