We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.