*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
life finds a way
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯