My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*