Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion