Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
what’s more important?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars