My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”