*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
selfie game
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself