if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”