ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target