As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
You Might Also Like
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Cndnsd Mlk
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents