Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You Might Also Like
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
CUTE CAT‼︎
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??