I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
He’s dead
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee