[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I feel it
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue