My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.