Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
There’s no “u” in narcissist
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
This one’s “Alex”.